(Warning: gratuitous profanity and unwarranted snarkiness ahead. Kindly, goodhearted people should probably not read.)
I wasn’t tagged on this meme, unsurprisingly, since my first reaction is: If I wanted you to know five things about me, I woulda told you. Besides, anyone with half a brain can read between the lines on this blog to find out something if they wanted to, from my smart regular readers to the teenager googling for porn (“Dude, I swear it said The Cliterate Kitten!”).
So, pretend I’m on Oprah, giving an interview. This is what I would say:
5 things you didn’t know about me
1. I don’t plan to ever live in a trailer park. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s the lifestyle you choose. If people choose to live in homes with wheels that are frequent targets of tornadoes, that’s cool and remarkably brave. It’s not that I’m a snob–I can’t afford to buy a home. But there’s something about living in a remote area among acres of people who also can’t afford to buy a home that does not appeal to me. Not to mention that, with my extensive personal library, I’d probably be mistaken for the local bookmobile.
2. I like blankets. Blankets are perhaps the most underrated of life’s necessities. Personally, I can sleep without many things other people deem essential to bedtime activities, but I cannot sleep without a blanket. And blankets are assigned to those in even the most wretched of circumstances, from prison inmates to travellers flying coach on United. If I had one Miss America wish, it would be that everyone in the world had a blanket. And preferably an Egyptian cotton-flannel blend, not one of those stiff polyester horrors you find in a Motel 6 off of I-80 near Elko, Nevada.
3. I don’t like being poor and hungry. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s the lifestyle you choose. People can live however they want to. This is America, dammit. However, poverty and hunger aren’t for me.
4. I think butterflies are cool. They’re pretty and quiet, and they fly away before you have time to get sick of them.
5. I have low-water pressure. I don’t like low-water pressure. It makes for skimpy showers and having to hold the toilet handle down several seconds when you flush. People with high-water pressure don’t know how lucky they have it. This is America, dammit. Everyone is entitled to good water pressure.